my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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