My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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