I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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