between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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