Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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