I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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