I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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