you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
