I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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