Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
