someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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