I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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