I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
