I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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