Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
