I just pynch a tree in the face
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
