i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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