Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
