my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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