Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
