New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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