They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
