He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
