all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize