I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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