So drunk its hurt
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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