Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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