My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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