apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
