i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
