I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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