tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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