There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
