Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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