i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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