My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
