Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
