I feel great
I just peed on a car
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
