On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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