he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
