Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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