awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
