My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
