please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
