Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
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Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
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I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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