we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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