dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
