whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
