when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
