i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
