Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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