It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
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