do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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