Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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