Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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