mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
