I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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