did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
