i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
